So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
