ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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