I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
