Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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