I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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