You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
