she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
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I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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