I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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