I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
why do cheetos always look like penises
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
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