You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
