someone threw a dead crab at me
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
