I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I want a musical about memes.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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