I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
