I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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