New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
so much tequila, so little girl.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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