Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
