guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Congratulations! We have a period
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
