If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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