I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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