I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
