last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
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