he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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