if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize