I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
