Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
