I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
