my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
