No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
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you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
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I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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