Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
