Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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