Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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