i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
