My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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