did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Randomize