Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
