Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
