Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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