I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
