We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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