Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
