I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize