why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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