Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
