I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
we're so committed to being not committed
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
