I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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