You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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