Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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