he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
