If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
