There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
