my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
