girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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