by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
