Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
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I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
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He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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