my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
