You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
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these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
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My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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